Knowing the fragility of it all can wake you at 3 in the morning and leave you shivering for hours.
But equally, it can have you eating your tea, just your Dad and you, and noticing that when he speaks he holds his right arm across his stomach while you hold your left. And the next meal you share with someone is lunch across the table from your littlest boy, and isn’t it something, the way he speaks and the curl of his hair and the way he holds his fork, and for the whole of his sausage roll and all of your lentil pie, you really don’t care whether you’ll never have a career.
That’s what I was thinking at lunchtime today.
And then I had this afternoon and it brought amazing news.
And such are the extremes of the highs and lows in my life right now, I can’t tell whether the universe is conspiring for or against me and the people I love.
Or maybe luck just isn’t personal. And the deals that you make when you’re shivering are just deals that you make with yourself.