Dear Prime Minister

Further to my correspondence dated 1 February 2017, I am writing now to continue our one-sided dialogue.

I begin with offering you my sympathies. You must be spewing over this whole Cory Bernardi thing, eh? Like, you compromise your entire moral being to the extent that I’m sure your skin will never lose that grey pallor you’ve acquired and then he goes and does this anyway.

You have a country to lead and I have cat vomit to clean so I will get straight to the point:

Pull your head in.

Pull your head in on Nauru and Manus Island. Seriously, just pull your head in. It’s pretty clear by now that the idea of resettling people United States is either a. not going to happen; or b. result in an awful outcome for those people. It is time to convince your cabinet to find a humane and compassionate solution. For example, we could probably have them in Australia and that could probably happen pretty quickly all that is missing is political will.

Pull your head in on electricity: I know you know that climate change is a real and present threat, and that we’re better off with renewable energy than we are with coal. Do you know how I know this is what you think? Because you said it. Quit with demonising the South Australian government. Do something smart and do it smartly.

Pull your head in on your parliamentary performance: That ridiculous tirade in parliament the other day. Do you know who liked that? Political journalists who don’t get much entertainment otherwise; your back bench and Barnaby Joyce. Do you know who didn’t like it? EVERYONE ELSE IN AUSTRALIA. Do you know how I know this? I read the comments. (And apart from anything else, the logic is what? It’s okay for you to be a millionaire, but not okay for Bill Shorten to have dinner with them.)

Pull your head in on this Centrelink debacle. Seriously, mate. Not cool. Can I suggest that you find someone who currently relies on Centrelink payments and that you spend a day or two (and you will need a day or two) trying to work your way through things with them? I can guarantee you that you – like all of us who have done this – will be shocked at how difficult this is.

We are at a crucial point in the history of democracy and of political leadership. There has never been a more exciting time to be Prime Minister. (Sorry, you must be sick of that.) Perhaps instead of framing this letter in the negative tone, ‘Pull your head in,’ I should frame it more positively.

Be strong. Do good things.

Yours sincerely

Tracy Crisp

PS If, as I suggested in my previous correspondence, you did want to meet, perhaps you would like to come to a reading I’m doing at the West Terrace Cemetery on Thursday evening and we could go for a glass of chardonnay or something after that? I could also do Tuesday, but Wednesday is out because it’s my 25th wedding anniversary and I expect to be otherwise engaged. (Which reminds me – with Cory Bernardi gone you could probably do something about marriage equality now, eh?)