You know those shops – the ones that have no soul of their own and leach the life from yours – that’s where I’ve been.

We bought one table and six chairs.

If you need me, I’ll be on the couch. Please try not to drop anything on the floor as you approach. I’m as close to the edge as you’d like me to be.

If you really loved me, you’d put the table together without asking for my help. And before you did that, you’d bring me a cup of tea. And an almond croissant. And the newspaper. No, not that one, I’ve read it. The other one. Yes, the rest of the day is going to be like this.